How Does Disorganized Attachment Affect Adult Relationships?

Video · 10 minutes · Attachment · Relationships

Summary

Adults with a disorganized attachment style want to love and be loved. They also treat closeness as danger. Distance, distrust, shame, expected abandonment, intensity that flips into numbness, criticism, and partners who are already insecure — the pattern looks like self-sabotage. Warning signs appear even when they are not there. An ugly ending starts to feel like fate.

The style can change. In the literature that is called earned secure attachment. Self-help can support the work. It cannot replace a trauma- and attachment-informed therapist. Some meditation, used the wrong way, can destabilize.

What this video covers

  • How the style shows up in adult partnership
  • Anger, anxiety, dissociation, helplessness, chronic people-pleasing
  • Why most people live the pattern without naming it
  • Earned security — and why a therapist is essential
  • Mindfulness, patience, and self-care as supports, not cures
  • What sessions actually work on

Key takeaways

  • The conflict is not lack of desire. It is closeness wired to the survival system.
  • Dissociation is common: numbing, derealization, depersonalization, body symptoms.
  • You do not have to act every trigger. Managing them is a skill.
  • If the family of origin was high-threat or neglectful, get trauma-informed, attachment-based care — not a generalist only.

Who this is for

  • Adults who crave commitment and keep ending up alone or in chaos
  • Partners trying to understand push-pull that is not “just communication”
  • People who have tried meditation or self-help and felt worse

Who this is not for

  • Anyone in immediate danger — call 911 or 988
  • A substitute for couples therapy or trauma treatment

Next step

Transcript

How does disorganized attachment impact adult relationships?

Adults with a disorganized attachment style want to love and they want to be loved. However, they lean on counterproductive reactions and behaviors: not letting anybody get too emotionally close; being unwilling or unable to trust other people; feeling overcome by deep shame and a sense of being unworthy of love; expecting rejection and abandonment; being unpredictable and expecting others to be dangerously unreliable and unpredictable.

They often choose partners with marked insecure attachment styles and avoid intimacy because it is so triggering. This style tends to produce intense emotions that alternate with dissociation or disconnection, because relationships feel dangerous. Sometimes it can have a very strong fight response and be quite critical and blaming toward partners and the important people in their lives.

A disorganized attachment style is tantamount to self-sabotage. If you have this kind of style, you see warning signs even when they don’t exist. An ugly breakup becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You can feel doomed, as if it is your destiny to be alone. That can provoke even more negative behavior and virtually guarantee that you won’t find the depth and commitment you crave.

In my clinical practice I’ve seen hundreds of clients with this style. They frequently struggle with intense anger and rage — whether or not that rage comes out or they act it out. They often have chronic anxiety and fear. Dissociative symptoms are the norm: numbing, derealization, depersonalization, and all sorts of somatic symptoms. These men and women often have unstable and intense emotional reactions. Behind all this is frequently a deep, recurring sense of helplessness. Many tell me they feel stuck in a chronically submissive relational stance — for example, chronically people-pleasing, conditioned to do that.

After that sad list, here’s the good news: you can change your disorganized attachment style.

Most people are not really aware of their attachment style. They just live it out. It’s their conditioning. So few people take the steps needed to create positive change. Research shows most people can change their attachment style. In the clinical literature this is referred to as earned secure attachment. To do this, it is essential that you work with a therapist.

Self-help tools are great. They can be wonderful. They are insufficient to the task. You cannot change your attachment style by only using self-help methods.

That said, some self-help methods can complement and support therapeutic work.

First, mindfulness and self-awareness. A disorganized attachment style pulls you out of the present moment. Too often you’re dwelling on past hurts or fearing future attacks and betrayals. A mindfulness practice roots you in the only time that truly exists: the present. In that state you become more self-aware. You start to identify and honor your own needs. Meditation is a time-proven path toward mindfulness, but talk to your therapist or a qualified teacher about how to cultivate the skill. It is a mistake to think all meditation is good. Some forms, used in the wrong way with the wrong person at the wrong time, can be deeply triggering and destabilizing. I have seen this a bunch in my practice.

Next, develop patience. Changing your attachment style is not easy and not quick. Be very patient with yourself. Practice patience with other people too. Your style has left you with many triggers in relationships, but you don’t have to react. You don’t have to be blown and buffeted about by those triggers. That choice is yours. You can learn to manage them.

Self-care is important. Give yourself the nurturing love you need — that we all need. That helps you prepare to take in and accept love from other people. Treat yourself with care and respect. Create daily routines around wholesome habits: healthy eating, regular deep rest and sleep, physical exercise, and fun.

Please talk to a mental health professional. In essence, disorganized attachment arises from a parent-child relationship that was frightening and probably quite neglectful. If you had a high-stress or high-threat home life in your family of origin, get trauma-informed care. If you seek help from a therapist, work with someone who has a strong trauma-treatment background and is steeped in attachment-based trauma treatment approaches if you can find that person.

When you do, sessions help with tasks like: stopping taking everything so personally; increasing self-worth; practicing being assertive and setting healthy boundaries; asking for what you want from people and from life; getting better at avoiding manipulation from people in present-day life; gaining increased control over your emotions; and undoing barriers to both physical and psychological intimacy.

If you enjoyed this video and want to learn more, visit the blog at michaelgquirke.com. Please like, subscribe, comment, and share. Thanks for watching. Have a great day.

Disclaimer

Educational content only. Not therapy, not a diagnosis, not a crisis service. Psychotherapy is available to California residents in San Francisco, Palo Alto, and online. If you are in immediate danger, call 911 or 988.