Video · 7 minutes · Abandonment · Relationships

Ordinary worry about losing someone is not the same as abandonment trauma. If you never feel safe, cannot trust even when it would be reasonable, and keep repeating cling-or-distance patterns, the past is often running the relationship.

Watch the video below. A written summary and transcript follow.

What this video covers

  • What abandonment trauma is, versus ordinary fear of loss
  • How it develops: divorce, death, neglect, betrayal, related mental health conditions
  • Signs in adult relationships
  • How the partner can end up feeling abandoned too
  • What a couple can do: communication, patience, trauma-informed therapy

Key takeaways

  • Abandonment trauma is a body-level expectation that people leave, ignore, or fail you.
  • It can start in childhood neglect or abuse, or later through divorce, death, or a partner who was present but not actually there.
  • Common signs: people-pleasing to keep someone, inability to trust, numbness, settling for whoever stays, avoiding conflict, clinging for reassurance, or holding a partner at arm’s length, plus shame that blocks being known.
  • Unsaid assumptions make the trauma louder. Forced talking is not the fix. A safer communication climate is.
  • Trust cannot be rushed. Work with someone who treats abandonment and attachment, not only “communication skills.”

Who this is for

Adults who:

  • Enter relationships already braced for being left
  • Are the partner of someone who clings or disappears
  • Can explain why they should feel safe and still do not

Next step

If you are a California resident and want to discuss fit, request a consult.

Transcript

Abandonment Trauma: How It Shapes Future Relationships

Do you find yourself consistently fearing that your loved ones will leave you? When you enter a relationship, is it difficult to feel secure? Trauma could be playing a role. Trauma affects a large share of people in the US, and it comes in many forms. If you felt ignored or neglected, especially in childhood, you could be dealing with abandonment trauma.

It is not uncommon to worry sometimes about losing people. Abandonment trauma runs deeper. You never feel safe because of past experience. You find it hard to trust. Learning about this can guide you toward the help you need.

What causes it. Events at any point in life can teach you to stop connecting. Someone you love left, neglected you, or betrayed you. They were there, but they left, or they died, or they did not give the support and love you needed.

Examples: parents divorcing in childhood can set up a lifelong watch for loss. A partner divorcing you in adulthood can make you decide never to risk rejection again. Death of a parent, caregiver, mentor, or partner can root a deep fear. Neglect and abuse in childhood can leave you afraid to be vulnerable. Abandonment patterns can also sit alongside other mental health conditions. Talk with your therapist about that possibility.

Common signs. Everyone’s presentation is unique, but threads repeat. People-pleasing to keep others around. Inability to trust even when trust would be reasonable and is what a secure relationship requires. Numbness or distance as protection. Settling for whoever seems likely to stay. Avoiding conflict so the partner will not leave. Seeking huge amounts of reassurance — or the opposite, keeping partners at arm’s length. Shame that says you cannot let anyone see you or know you.

These patterns damage relationships. If your partner has abandonment trauma, you can end up confused, resentful, guilty, and abandoned yourself.

What a couple can do. Both people can slip into assumptions. Words left unsaid make the trauma louder. Commit to consistent, healthy communication — not forcing speech, but building a climate where open, supportive talk is normal. Resolving trauma is not overnight. Practice patience. Mutual trust cannot be rushed. Stay honest. Get comfortable talking about emotion. Work with a therapist who treats abandonment issues. That is the best place to do this work.

More than 450 articles and videos on trauma recovery are at www.michaelgquirke.com.

This page and video are for education. They are not therapy, a diagnosis, a crisis service, or a substitute for personal assessment. Psychotherapy is available to California residents.