When we ponder concepts like trauma or complex trauma, it usually involves something being done to a person. But this doesn’t define all trauma. For example, emotional neglect relates to something not being done. All children need specific types of care from parents and other caregivers. If and when this care does not arrive, it severely impacts the child. Yet, it’s not obvious like most other traumatic events.
As a result, emotional neglect exists in a grey area of sorts. It seems invisible and the survivors are put in the position of having to prove they’ve been traumatized. Therefore, emotional neglect is repeated in another form.
Emotional Neglect Can Cause Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD)
The hallmark of complex trauma is its ongoing nature. Sexual abuse, life in a war zone, living with a disability — the list goes on. The trauma arises from the relentlessness as the survivor feels unable to escape. If a child does not receive the physical and emotional nurturing they need, they will internalize dysfunctional beliefs about trust and attachment.
Their needs are minimized and their coping skills are not healthy choices. They have no one to turn to in times of need. Since there are no external wounds, the child feels unable to prove what happened and thus carries this internal scar into adulthood. They can develop C-PTSD and they very much need professional help.
Active and Passive Childhood Emotional Neglect
Generally speaking, emotional neglect falls into these two categories:
Active
As the word implies, active neglect involves deliberate acts by parents (or caregivers). They override your needs and emotions by imposing their own. For example, when you express a “negative” feeling like frustration, anger, sadness, or fear, you may get sent to your room. Hence, just when a child needs support and can learn some important lessons, they’re shown that their emotions are unacceptable.
Children in such a scenario can come away believing they are annoying, weak, oversensitive, and insignificant. They think their emotions are “wrong” and must be suppressed. When you’re unable to hide your feelings, it can cause guilt and shame. If you try to talk about this to someone other than your family, you may be disbelieved or dismissed as “over-reacting.”
As time passes, you can become an enforcer of sorts for your parents. You’re so used to being invalidated that you nip your emotional expression in the bud before anyone complains. On top of that, you can become uncomfortable with anyone showing emotion. As noted above, the entire process feels invisible and can thereby be passed down from generation to generation without anyone noticing.
Passive
In instances like this, your parents aren’t acting overtly but to a child, it doesn’t really matter. Here are some common examples of passive emotional neglect toward children:
- The child is never included when decisions about them are made. Others define the child’s wants and needs.
- Even when a child exhibits strong emotions, they are rarely noticed.
- Children are allowed to blend into the fabric of the family. Not nearly enough focus and attention is aimed in their direction.
- When a child talks, parents and caregivers do not listen.
- A lack of structure in a home hampers a child’s ability to properly develop. They lack discipline and self-discipline.
Growing up in a climate of passive emotional neglect is a form of complex trauma and puts children at a higher risk of C-PTSD.
Getting the Help You Need and Deserve
The first step toward recovery is connecting with a trauma-informed therapist who can identify the signs of emotional neglect. If the content of this post feels eerily familiar, I’d love to talk with you soon.