The title of this post might give complex trauma survivors a bad name. You see, they may push others away, but it’s rarely intentional. Even when it’s on purpose, there is good reason (in their eyes) for this behavior.
People with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) have endured ongoing, relentless abuse, neglect, suffering, and more. Quite often, such trauma occurs during childhood — further embedding beliefs that will make it feel unsafe to connect with other people. If you believe that everyone will hurt you, abandon you, or betray you, it can feel logical to avoid being vulnerable.
That said, without vulnerability, it’s impossible to connect with the people in your life.
A Few Reasons Why People with C-PTSD May Push Others Away
It’s a Lot of Work Getting Close to Them
This reason has nothing to do with blame — on either person. But the equation is simple. If someone has undergone terrible treatment — sometimes as a child, sometimes from a loved one — they will safeguard their emotions. Understandably, they expect the worst. Therefore, the onus is on you to go above and beyond. You may, at some point, blanch at what feels like unrealistic expectations.
Speaking of Unrealistic Expectations
If you didn’t get the love, support, nurturing, and reassurance you needed as a child, you have a lot of emotional space that needs to be filled. Friends, relationships, neighbors, or co-workers may thus be expected to step up to the plate. If they don’t measure up to a complex trauma survivor’s expectations, they may get pushed away.
Alone Feels Safer
People with C-PTSD are easily disappointed when their fear-based standards are not met. Hence, they may ultimately decide that it feels safest to be alone. They might ghost on you — especially if you express frustration. Ghosting is a version of pushing people away but, in this digital age, it can be way easier to just vanish. The alternative is when someone with C-PTSD opts to release some stored-up anger.
The Dam Breaks
Unless you’ve experienced chronic traumatic events, it’s difficult to understand how much resentment and anger C-PTSD can contain. A person, though no fault of their own, has been deprived of a secure upbringing. Every time they even consider letting down their guard, someone does something that feels dangerous.
Since complex trauma often involves the suppression of one’s feelings, all this anger can suddenly be released at once. Sooner or later, the dam breaks. It may look, on the surface, like a very disproportionate reaction to a minor incident. But the conflict it causes is often enough to end a personal connection.
Going Scorched Earth
A scenario like that described above can feel incredibly disappointing to someone with C-PTSD. In their eyes, they took a risk to trust you and they’ve been betrayed. This is when black-and-white thinking can rule the day. The trauma survivor takes out a whole lot of repressed raged on someone who may or may not have hurt them.
These Patterns Can Be Changed and Deleted
The first, giant step toward addressing the trends discussed above is awareness. Connecting with an experienced, trauma-informed therapist can help a trauma survivor begin to identify the underlying patterns that are sabotaging their recovery. Your therapy sessions provide a safe space for such exploration. In instances involving a romantic partner, couples therapy may be a wise option to consider.
Either way, it’s helpful to remember that:
- Trauma can be processed and resolved
- Attachment styles can be changed
- Long-term patterns and coping mechanisms can be uprooted
- Complex trauma survivors can heal and thrive
All of this and more are available to you. I’d love to connect soon and tell you more about the process.