Survivors of complex trauma may find it difficult to perform daily activities that others consider “normal.” This is a common outcome for someone dealing with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). How does this dynamic play out when someone with C-PTSD is also a parent? Needless to say, it presents some unique challenges.
Parenting, by definition, is tough. A parent with C-PTSD, however, must develop unusually high levels of mindfulness and self-awareness to not pass down unhealthy mindsets and coping mechanisms. It’s hard work but take heart. With professional help and personal commitment, you can be a good parent while coping with C-PTSD.
How C-PTSD Can Affect Parenting
You Can Be Too Fearful
Complex trauma typically leaves you in a state of high alert. Thus, if you’re feeling constant fear, it can be hard not to impose that perspective on your kids. You might be overprotective to the point of lashing out at them. This is stressful for everyone involved and has the potential to accidentally risk C-PTSD on your children.
You Can Be Too Controlling
It starts with good intentions. You never want your children (or anyone, for that matter) to endure what you did. But you cannot control all aspects of your kid’s life. At some point, this will feel abusive to them and can create a new cycle of trauma.
You Never Had a Positive Role Model
C-PTSD can result from neglect and/or abuse. In other words, you didn’t get to experience a caretaker leading by positive example. Now that you have children of your own, you may wonder how to deliver what you never got.
Perfectionism
The fear mentioned above can manifest as a fear of failure. Your parents let you down so, you decide you must make it up for by being (wait for it) perfect. Holding yourself to unrealistic standards may slow down your own recovery while putting your kids in an awkward position.
How to Be a Good Parent While Coping with C-PTSD
Perhaps your gut instinct is to recall everything your own parents did. Then do the opposite. In reality, this approach keeps the focus on your parents and the complex trauma you endured. You deserve better and so do your children. Instead, here are three general suggestions that might be more helpful:
Hone Your Communication
Communication is not a journey with a finish line. So, embrace this learning adventure as a family project. Talk openly, honestly, and respectfully to your children and request the same in return. Teach them about accountability, apologies, forgiveness, and the importance of face-to-face interactions.
Practice Patience and Acceptance
Even without the presence of complex trauma, every parent is figuring things out as they go along. Add C-PTSD to the mix and it’s essential to give yourself room to grow, make mistakes, and adapt. When you’re patient and accepting of yourself and your kids, you create a safe space for everyone to be their authentic selves.
Ask for Help
As a survivor of complex trauma, there are some amazing resources to consider. Support groups and parenting classes can be indispensable. If you feel like need something more personalized, therapy is a proven path toward healing.
Let’s Connect Soon
As daunting as they were, your early experiences do not make it impossible for you to become a wonderful parent. As touched on earlier, you’ll need to practice mindfulness and self-awareness so counterproductive patterns don’t sneak into the picture without you realizing it. A trauma-informed therapist can be the ideal guide for this critical effort.
Your childhood will affect your adult life but that doesn’t automatically mean the impact will be negative. You can break the pattern.