While this is not technically an “addiction,” it sure behaves like one. Call it an addiction or a compulsion but please call it a serious problem. A good place to start addressing this issue is by better understanding where porn addiction comes from.

What Causes Porn Addiction?

A big part of it is the accessibility as mentioned above. You take out your phone and porn is just a few clicks away. You could say the same for any website but there’s a big difference. Pornography offers arousal and orgasm as a reward. This is why, as I mentioned in a previous post, the top three pornography websites get a combined 135,000 visits per second. That adds up to 6 billion monthly visits.

Where Does Porn Addiction Come From?

Brain Chemicals

Watching porn raises your body’s levels of serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine — three powerful brain chemicals. This will alter your ability to regulate your mood and how you process pleasure. Over time, you may begin engaging in compulsive sexual behavior. You’ll need more porn and more extreme forms of porn to get the “high” you seek.

Co-occurring Mental Health Issues and/or Addictions

People with addictions and other mental health disorders often seek to escape. Porn provides a seemingly ideal outlet. The following conditions are some of those that have been found to frequently co-exist with porn addictions:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
• Mood disorders like bipolar disorder
• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
• Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)
• Substance Abuse

Viewing porn on a regular, relentless basis allows a person to experience what feels like pleasure. This makes it possible to temporarily forget about other problems.

Relationship and Sexual Problems

Anyone feeling dissatisfied or unhappy with their sex life or their relationship in general is susceptible to the realm of pornography. Viewing porn serves as a replacement of sorts for what you may feel you are missing. Unfortunately, this choice can only deepen the rifts you’re trying to avoid facing.

A History of Trauma and Abuse

Especially if these events occur during childhood, they can trigger a wide range of counterproductive coping mechanisms. For a little while, viewing porn numbs the pain while easing feelings of guilt and shame. In order to keep receiving such rewards, a person is left needing more and more pornography.

The Need for Stress Relief

Visual depictions of sex, feeling aroused, and achieving climax via masturbation all contribute to boosts of dopamine. For the time being, this reduces stress. Eventually, it all results in a non-stop, futile quest to fend off stress.

Common Signs of Porn Addiction

• Wanting to stop by being unable to do so
• Watching porn in places or situations that are risky
• Neglecting basic responsibilities, needs, and personal care in order to view porn
• Using porn as a form of “stress relief”
• Losing the ability to feel satisfaction or arousal during sex with a real person
• No longer feeling attracted to your partner
• Relationship problems
• Social isolation and withdrawal
• Losing interest in other activities

If anything on the list above — or elsewhere in this post — resonates with you, it makes sense to ask for help. Porn addiction can be addressed and managed with help from an experienced professional. Don’t suffer in silence.

Ready To Take Action?

Watch my video to learn more about how you can Kick The Porn Habit Forever.

There is hope and help available. Watch my video on porn addiction to learn more.

The post Porn Addiction: Where Does It Come From? appeared first on Michael G. Quirke, MFT.

Whatever the method, sex addiction springs from a pattern of compulsive, self-sabotaging choices. It impacts the addict and those in their life — and it’s becoming more common by the day. Some 8 percent of American adults struggle with sex addiction, but numbers are very hard to pin down.

Some Symptoms of Sex Addiction

• Sex is an obsession: You allocate an increasing amount of time to fantasizing about and planning your next sexual activity.
• Frequent masturbation: At least once a day — usually more.
• Consuming pornography: This includes porn in all its forms and typically involves masturbation.
• Seeking sex widely: This could mean paying for sex, going to strip clubs, etc.
• Risky behavior: Rampant sexual activity often dovetails with drinking, drugs, and driving while intoxicated. It can also include behaviors with the potential to be dangerous.
• You can’t stop: Even as it threatens your finances, relationships, career, and health, you keep going.

A sex addict may be unable to maintain a healthy relationship or hold down a steady job. Their health suffers from neglecting their basic needs and indulging in unhealthy habits. All of this can breed guilt and shame, which may spiral into mental dysfunction.

What Causes Sex Addiction?

A direct cause is not known, but the following factors are believed to potentially play a role:

• Brain chemistry or altered brain function
• Substance abuse
• Side effects connected to prescription drugs
• Early adverse childhood experiences or “aces“

While more work needs to be done, there are productive steps you can take.

4 Tips to Overcome a Sex Addiction

1. Distraction

As with other addictions, it can be very helpful to have healthy replacements to call on when the addictive urge strikes. Choosing something that feels meaningful to you is advisable. Also, exercise is a reliable mainstay. It gets you physically active and sweating while also stimulating the release of positive chemicals like endorphins.

2. Accountability

Recovering from an addiction is not a solo act. Support groups — online and in-person — are a proven choice for providing accountability. Such groups put you in contact with people who understand the struggle. Also, you can gain mightily from being in a position to help others. Through these groups, you can partner with someone who has recovered and can guide you.

3. Monitoring

Get yourself a journal to dedicate to tracking your patterns. You’ll want to monitor triggers and how you respond. It’s an excellent way to gauge progress and this journal will come in handy during your therapy sessions.

4. Spirituality

Whatever you believe, there is power in asking “the universe” to support you. Sex addiction can tear your life down, so this is the ideal time to feel connected to something bigger. If you are someone who adheres to a particular set of beliefs, prayer is essential. Seek out a community to be a part of.

Therapy Is Your Foundation

The above tips will help you take back some of the control you’ve lost to the compulsion. But you’ll need more. Sex addiction works via a powerful cycle of neurological rewards. Leaving it behind requires guidance from a professional who understands. Remember, every addiction serves a function. Addictions and compulsions are very driven by overwhelming fear and buried emotional pain.

Your therapist is the one you can open up to and not fear judgment. Your weekly sessions are a safe space to explore underlying causes while trying out new approaches.

You can recover from sex addiction and I’m here to help you along the way through sex therapy, feel free to reach out.

The post 4 Tips to Overcome a Sex Addiction appeared first on Michael G. Quirke, MFT.

Porn is easy to access on our ever-present phones. So much so that more than 8 out of 10 boys between 14 and 18 years old are regular viewers. Starting this year adds to the problem. By the time you decide to break free, you’ll likely need some help and support.

Some Red Flags to Watch For

• As the amount of time you dedicate to watching porn increases, you want to stop but can’t.
• You think about porn and experience cravings when you’re not watching it.
• You feel enough shame and shame about this compulsion to hide your actions.
• The videos you watch are becoming increasingly extreme.
• Daily responsibilities are neglected because you’re too busy watching porn.
• You lose interest in other activities.
• You’ll watch porn in risky places or inappropriate situations.
• Your sex life is suffering, e.g. you have trouble getting aroused without porn, real-life people seem less attractive, or become very demanding of partners to perform the acts you watch in videos.
• Any attempts by outsiders to talk to you about this result in your lashing out in defensiveness and anger.

There are other signs and symptoms, of course. But if any of the above resonates with you, it’s likely time to take targeted action.

How to Break Free From Porn Addiction

Recovery begins with an acceptance that it’s time for you to stop. This level of awareness dramatically improves your chances of implementing the suggestions below. No matter what, practice patience. Compulsions do not disappear overnight. In the case of a relapse, do your best to refocus and not dwell in self-blame.

Block Your Access

This is the fundamental step. The fact that pornography is free and easily accessible has facilitated this explosion in use. Hence, you’ll want to make it as difficult as possible to casually slip back into old habits, e.g.

• Delete all downloaded pornographic content and porn-related bookmarks ASAP. Do this on all your devices.
• Learn about and set up porn filters. Even better, ask a trusted friend to install porn-blocking software on your devices. Make them promise to never share the passwords.
• It may be rare these days but if you are someone who has hard copy pornography, destroy it and dispose of it immediately.

Don’t Allow the Vacuum to Remain Unfilled

Like it or not, you will get urges and cravings. After allocating so much time to porn viewing, it is highly advisable to cultivate healthy replacement habits. What they are is up to you and your interests but successful options include:

• Physical activity, sports, and exercise
• Creative pursuits
• Reading an old-fashioned book you can hold in your hands
• Doing work around the house
• Re-connecting to your spirituality via prayer, meditation, etc.

Avoid Isolating Yourself

It’s tempting to withdraw. Since porn addiction is so common, you’ll have no problem finding a support group. This can be done online until you feel comfortable enough to meet in person. In addition, stay connected to friends and family members. Fun conversations and meet-ups are wonderful ways to develop replacement habits.

Should you prefer to start this effort with guidance from a professional, therapy is a proven and successful path to healing and recovery.

Ready To Do Something About Your Porn Use?

Watch my video to learn more about how you can Kick The Porn Habit Forever.

There is hope and help available. Watch my video on porn addiction to learn more.

The post Struggling with Porn Addiction? Here’s How to Break Free appeared first on Michael G. Quirke, MFT.

Of course, only the people having sex can decide if they are satisfied with the length of time before ejaculation occurs. But, generally speaking, ejaculating in less than a minute without any known external causes is considered premature ejaculation.

What Causes Premature Ejaculation?

Needless to say, there can specific instances that are related to the conditions at the time of the sexual encounter. This might involve a new partner, location, or circumstance. Some of the “external causes” mentioned above include:

• Certain medications
• Major stress in one’s life
• The presence of a mental illness
• Medical conditions like high blood pressure, thyroid issues, and diabetes
• Use and abuse of alcohol and other substances
• Lack of confidence
• Having relationship problems

Any one of these factors — or any combination — could be playing an active role. What’s tricky is trying to parse out where to focus your attention when it comes to treatment and self-care. That’s why so many people in a scenario like this will opt to connect with a therapist. This is especially helpful for couples in a long-term relationship.

Treatment Approaches

I’ll talk more about therapy below but, when contemplating treatment, it is vital to look into addressing any underlying condition at the same time. In the meantime, there are steps you (and your partner) can take on your own to mitigate the impact of this potentially stressful issue.

3 Strategies to Stop Premature Ejaculation

1. Masturbating in Advance

Men who masturbate about 1 to 2 hours before having sex may find they “last” longer when it’s time for the real thing. Part of this could be that the initial pressure has been released and, physiologically speaking, it’s not as easy to reach orgasm the second time around.

2. Decreasing Sensation Before Sex

If you feel the cause might be primarily related to physical sensations, the options include wearing a thick condom or two condoms. This serves the purpose of reducing the effect of physical contact. In addition, it slows things down as the man puts on both condoms (or one thicker version).

A second option is to apply numbing creams directly onto the penis. As with the thick condom, it lessens the jolt of sensation a man can feel upon penetration. This has the potential to lengthen the time before ejaculation.

Techniques for decreasing sensation don’t work well for a lot of men. There can be many reasons why this is so, but one reason is because it can reinforce performance anxiety.

3. Taking Measures During Sex

The male body has something called the ejaculatory reflex. To delay this action, you can take deep breaths when you feel things getting close. Many men find that it also helps them if they pause for a few moments to allow them to step back from the edge of orgasm. Another way to lengthen the ejaculatory reflex is doing Kegel exercises — but obviously, not during sex!

Also, having your partner positioned on top allows for them to pull away if you tell them you might ejaculate. This offers you a break and a distraction. Of course, you’ll want to talk about this in advance with your partner to make sure they feel comfortable with this technique.

Let’s Talk About It

In our society, men can feel guilty and ashamed about their struggle with premature ejaculation. Thus, it can be an ideal starting point to commence this discussion in the privacy of a therapy room. If you or your partner is dealing with premature ejaculation, we should connect and talk at your earliest convenience about sex therapy or men’s issues.

The post 3 Strategies to Stop Premature Ejaculation appeared first on Michael G. Quirke, MFT.

However, if a problem can affect a couple, the solution can arise when both partners cooperate and commit. Erectile dysfunction is almost always a treatable issue. What matters just as much is how the two of you combine to handle the emotional component.

What is Erectile Dysfunction?

ED is a very common condition — impacting at least 30 million U.S. men (including younger men) alone. It occurs when a man is unable to attain or maintain an erection. A few different variations of this can fall under the umbrella term of erectile dysfunction, e.g.

• You may not get an erection at all
• An erection happens but doesn’t last long enough
• You may not be able to get an erection every time
• You get an erection but intercourse is not satisfying

Studies find that 4 out of 10 men experience ED by the time they turn 40. As they age, incidence typically increases. ED can be caused for physical or psychological reasons — or a combination of both. The underlying reasons for this can possibly be found in factors ranging from clogged arteries to stress, from high blood pressure to anxiety.

ED and Relationships

As discussed above, ED has the potential to wreak havoc on a relationship. Outcomes can involve any or all of the following:

• Drastic decrease in sexual activity or perhaps a full cessation
• Loss of intimacy
• Your partner wondering if they’re doing something wrong or are no longer attractive
• Frustration, tension, conflict, and resentment
• Loss of healthy communication

Of course, it doesn’t have to be this way.

How to Cope With Erectile Dysfunction

Communicate

As awkward as it might feel, open discussion is the path. Talk about what’s happening, how it makes you feel, and what you can do together to create change. Don’t allow fears to fester in silence. Start a dialogue to reassure each other and to learn more. Ideally, begin this communication process when fully dressed — outside the bedroom. Lower the stakes, to begin with.

Experiment With Many Forms of Intimacy

Once the lines of communication are open, you can talk more openly about sexual needs and desires. If intercourse is temporarily not an option, there are countless other ways to express your love and your lust. ED does not have to mean the end of sex. Keep the passion alive in any way that feels good for both partners.

Work as a Team to Discover Solutions

Learn about ED, its causes, and its treatment options. Research shows that couples who work together on this issue have the best treatment results. If possible (and desired), go with him to his doctor’s appointments. Remind him that this is a very common issue and that you understand it’s not about you. Also, commit together to healthy lifestyle changes that can help both of you while complementing the ED treatment.

You Don’t Have to Go It Alone

It’s understandable that you might not talk openly about ED. But committing together to couples therapy is a proven path toward healing. In a therapy setting, you can work together to identify underlying problems while feeling safe to talk about personal concerns and fears. Connecting with an experienced and unbiased guide is precisely the right choice for this journey.

Reach out to learn more about couples or sex therapy.

The post ED and Relationships: How to Cope With Erectile Dysfunction appeared first on Michael G. Quirke, MFT.