Uncategorized – Michael G. Quirke, MFT https://michaelgquirke.com Neurofeedback E.M.D.R. and Psychotherapy Wed, 27 Aug 2025 11:40:44 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.8.3 https://michaelgquirke.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/cropped-MICHAEL-QUIRKE-LOGO-32x32.jpg Uncategorized – Michael G. Quirke, MFT https://michaelgquirke.com 32 32 When ADHD and OCD Co-Exist: Coping Strategies for Double the Challenge https://michaelgquirke.com/when-adhd-and-ocd-co-exist-coping-strategies-for-double-the-challenge/ Mon, 06 Jan 2025 03:37:47 +0000 https://michaelgquirke.com/?p=9013 Mental health conditions do not exist in a vacuum. There are countless variables, triggers, causes, and other factors. One such element is the reality that more than one disorder may be present simultaneously. For example, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can co-exist.

Studies vary but it’s believed that as many as 25 percent of those with a diagnosis may also have the other. For anyone with co-morbid OCD and ADHD, the estimates are not the point. They want to know whether they have been properly diagnosed and, if so, what’s next? What connections and strategies can be employed to handle this double challenge?

ADHD and OCD Share Similarities (and Differences)

  • They Impact the Same Part of the Brain: ADHD and OCD affect the frontostriatal area of your brain. This results in challenges when it comes to memory, decision-making, and planning.
  • Attention Deficit: This term is literally part of ADHD’s name but it’s also common with OCD. Obsessions and compulsions can dominate your thought processes and thus cause you to lose focus elsewhere.
  • Anxiety and Depression: OCD and ADHD increase stress levels which, in turn, increases the likelihood of depression or anxiety.
  • Problems at School or Work: Your daily life is more challenging when you struggle with time management, concentration, and executive functioning. This tree can be most obvious in a workplace or academic setting.
  • Sleep Disturbances: The majority of folks with either disorder experience a wide array of sleep-related problems.
  • Digestive Disturbances: For OCD, the most common form this takes is irritable bowel syndrome. People with ADHD are more likely to face irritable bowel syndrome or chronic constipation. When OCD and ADHD are both present, obviously, the gut issues can multiply.
  • The Role of Trauma: There is an increasing amount of evidence linking childhood trauma with developmental conditions like ADHD and OCD.

Of course, the differences between OCD and ADHD are important to note since they play a huge role in getting an accurate diagnosis. Generally speaking, ADHD is a condition that causes people to react externally to triggers. OCD, conversely, is noted by the way an individual will react internally to stressful events.

But how does someone with both disorders handle the dual impacts?

Coping Strategies for the Double Challenge of ADHD and OCD

The First Step Is Proper Diagnosis

It’s not unusual for one of the disorders to be identified while the other is missed. Here are some of the traps to avoid:

  • OCD is often stereotyped as being all about cleanliness or order. This myth can make symptoms trickier to recognize.
  • A person who tends toward hyper-focus may be automatically labeled as ADHD without considering how this can be common with OCD, too.
  • Someone with ADHD may create rituals to help them function while the “C” in OCD is for the compulsions created to help them reduce anxiety. These two sets of behaviors can be mistaken for one another.
  • OCD can make a person prioritize obsessions and compulsions while leaving other tasks incomplete. From the outside, this sign might be reflexively assigned to ADHD.

Once it’s been established that both conditions are present, coping strategies can be created, e.g.:

  • Starting a mindfulness practice.
  • Establishing structure via daily routines.
  • Leaning on one’s trusted support system to get the help they need.
  • Basic self-care steps pertaining to sleep, exercise, eating habits, and relaxation techniques.
  • Patience and self-compassion.

Working with an Experienced Therapist

Each person with ADHD and OCD presents differently but all can be treated using some combination of therapy, medication, and coping strategies. To learn more about your options for OCD and/or ADHD therapy, I invite you to reach out to talk very soon.

Contact Me

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EMDR Therapy: What Is Attachment Focused EMDR? https://michaelgquirke.com/emdr-therapy-what-is-attachment-focused-emdr/ Sun, 14 Jul 2024 23:50:39 +0000 https://michaelgquirke.com/?p=8737 EMDR Therapy: What Is Attachment Focused EMDR?

 

 

 

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Breaking The Silence: Understanding The Grip Of Porn Addiction https://michaelgquirke.com/breaking-the-silence-understanding-the-grip-of-porn-addiction/ Fri, 19 Apr 2024 02:29:38 +0000 https://michaelgquirke.com/?p=8482  

Breaking The Silence: Understanding The Grip Of Porn Addiction

 

 

 

Ready To Take Action With Your Porn Use?

Watch my video to learn more about how you can Kick The Porn Habit Forever.

 

 

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Who Is At Risk For Porn Addiction? Are You Vulnerable? https://michaelgquirke.com/who-is-at-risk-for-porn-addiction-are-you-vulnerable/ Sat, 13 Apr 2024 01:17:01 +0000 https://michaelgquirke.com/?p=8416 Is Porn Taking Over Your Life?Who Is At Risk For Porn Addiction? Pornography addiction is a growing concern. As a therapist, I’ve had a front row seat in seeing the damage it’s doing to men, women and intimate relationships.

Compulsive Use Of Porn Is A Warning Sign

It’s a sign that says that it’s time to address a real life problem you’ve been ignoring. This problem is the real issue and it’s one that you have been trying to solve with adult content.

Porn Addiction Follows Predictable Patterns

In my clinical practice I’ve seen over and over that certain types of circumstances make people vulnerable to addictive or compulsive porn use.

In our digital age, porn addiction strikes individuals of all ages, backgrounds, and genders. Yet, certain factors can increase one’s susceptibility to this addictive behavior. Understanding these vulnerabilities is crucial in addressing and freeing yourself from porn addiction.

In this article, let’s delve into a few of the various demographics and predispositions that are susceptible to falling into the trap of porn addiction.

Those At Risk For Porn Addiction include:

1. Vulnerable Young Adults: Navigating Young Adulthood in the Digital Porn Era

 

Young adulthood is a period of exploration and self-discovery, but it also comes with vulnerabilities, particularly in today’s hyper-connected world. Even though you might have “launched” grappling with issues of identity, peer pressure, and hormonal changes may turn to pornography as a means of escape or validation. The easy accessibility of explicit content online further exacerbates this risk.

Recently, I worked with a 26 year old client. He confided in me that since the time he was a 15-year-old, he struggling with body image issues and social anxiety. Feelings of embarrassment kept him from confiding in both his friends and the adults in his life. He longed for a partner, but seemed always to wind up “in the friend category”.  Daily, he turned to online porn, where he found a kind of solace. His sexual fantasies kept him going by providing an imagined sense of seeking validation and acceptance. But over time the videos he watched distorted his sense of what sexuality actually is and how it works.

He was gripped with fear and shame when after starting a new relationship, his new girlfriend discovered his porn use. She wanted nothing to do with it, or him. And he felt crushed, lost and depressed

2. The Lonely Hearts Club: Fantasy Connection in a Disconnected World

Our society is growing increasingly isolated. Every day, men tell me that they are craving connection and have turned to pornography as a substitute for genuine intimacy. Loneliness, whether stemming from physical isolation or emotional detachment, drives people towards addictive behaviors in search of temporary relief from their emotional pain.

“Robert” (Not his real name) is a single dad navigating a high pressure career. He juggles work and childcare responsibilities.  With little depth in his friendships, he lives a life devoid of adult human connection. With no time for dating or nurturing relationships, he resorts to pornography as a quick fix to sooth his  longing for intimacy and companionship.

 

 

3. The Escapists: Coping with Stress and Trauma

Life’s challenges can be overwhelming, and some individuals may turn to pornography as a coping mechanism to numb emotional pain or alleviate stress. Traumatic experiences, such as abuse or loss, can leave lasting scars, pushing you towards addictive behaviors as a means of escape from reality.

Alfonso, a former client, is an undercover police officer in a major U.S. city.  For years, he has seen things which he says “no human being should have to see.  A veteran on the force, he grapples with PTSD. Memories haunt him and he struggles to integrate into civilian life. Nightmare and anxiety leave him at the endge of his abilty  to cope. He tells me that he seeks refuge in pornography. “Those people online are are safe. I don’t have to go near them. I’m in control. And spending time with them temporarily helps. ” His compulive use of adult content numbs his emotional anguish.

4. The Mood Adjusters: Using Porn For Emotional Relief

Every habit serves a function. And, that is true of the porn habit too. In my work with clients, I’ve seen over and over how people compulsively turn to porn as way to shift their mood. Compulsive porn use can calm an anxious and fearful man down and enliven the day of someone who is bored and depressed. It can also provide a quick alternative to a man who is struggling with shame and low self worth.

 

Troubled By Your Porn Use?

Watch my video to learn more about how you can Kick The Porn Habit Forever.

 

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How To Start Healing From Childhood Emotional Neglect https://michaelgquirke.com/how-to-start-healing-from-childhood-emotional-neglect/ Fri, 12 Apr 2024 06:13:51 +0000 https://michaelgquirke.com/?p=8398

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7 Signs You Were Emotionally Neglected As A Child https://michaelgquirke.com/7-signs-you-were-emotionally-neglected-as-a-child/ Fri, 12 Apr 2024 06:07:14 +0000 https://michaelgquirke.com/?p=8381

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Uncategorized Archives - Michael G. Quirke, MFT nonadult
A Word About Emotional Neglect https://michaelgquirke.com/a-word-about-emotional-neglect/ Fri, 12 Apr 2024 05:58:08 +0000 https://michaelgquirke.com/?p=8364

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What to Do After a Setback in Trauma Healing https://michaelgquirke.com/what-to-do-after-a-setback-in-trauma-healing/ Mon, 06 Nov 2023 01:18:05 +0000 https://michaelgquirke.com/?p=7864 What to Do After a Setback in Trauma Healing?

Trauma is a complex and deeply impactful experience that can leave lasting scars on your mental and emotional well-being. Trauma healing is a journey. Like any journey, setbacks are a natural part of the process. It’s crucial to understand that healing is not a linear path; it’s more like a winding road with ups and downs. When you experience a setback in trauma healing, of course it can be disheartening. But it’s important to remember that a setback is not a failure. In this blog post, we will explore what to do after a setback in trauma healing and how to continue on your path towards recovery.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

The first step in dealing with a setback in trauma healing is to acknowledge your feelings. It’s common to experience a wide range of emotions such as frustration, disappointment, anger, and even self-blame when you face a setback. These feelings are a natural response to the perceived interruption in your healing process. It’s essential to give yourself permission to feel and express these emotions. Bottling them up can hinder your progress and make it more challenging to move forward.

Reach Out for Support

Trauma healing can be an isolating experience, and setbacks can intensify that feeling of isolation. During such times, it’s crucial to reach out for support. Whether it’s through a therapist, support group, friends, or family, sharing your feelings and experiences with others can provide you with valuable insights and emotional support. Talking to someone who understands trauma and its effects can help you regain perspective and feel less alone in your journey.

Reevaluate Your Goals

When you encounter a setback in your trauma healing, it’s an opportunity to reevaluate your goals and expectations. Sometimes, setbacks occur because the goals we set were too ambitious or unrealistic given the current circumstances. Take a step back and reconsider what you are trying to achieve in your healing process. Are your goals still relevant and achievable? If not, adjust them to make them more attainable and sustainable.

Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is a crucial element in trauma healing, especially after a setback. Be gentle with yourself and avoid self-blame. Understand that healing is a non-linear process, and setbacks are a normal part of the journey. You are not failing, but rather, you are learning and growing. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a beloved friend facing a similar challenge.

Revisit Your Coping Strategies

Setbacks can be an opportunity to reassess and fine-tune your coping strategies. Reflect on what has worked for you in the past and what hasn’t. Are there new coping mechanisms you want to explore? It’s essential to have a toolbox of healthy coping strategies to help you navigate difficult moments. These strategies might include mindfulness, grounding exercises, relaxation techniques, journaling, or physical activities like yoga or running.

Practice Patience

Patience is a virtue that is particularly relevant in trauma healing. Understand that healing takes time, and setbacks are merely temporary roadblocks. Instead of trying to rush through the process, focus on being patient with yourself and your journey. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and healing from trauma won’t happen overnight either. When caught up in impatience, one of my clients find it helpful to remind himself that “impatience is the feeling of frustration or fear plus a few unhelpful beliefs.”

Seek Professional Trauma Treatment

If your setback feels overwhelming or if you’re struggling to get back on track, it might be a good time to seek professional help. A therapist or counselor with expertise in trauma can provide you with the guidance and support you need to navigate through difficult times. A trauma therapist can offer tools and techniques tailored to your specific needs, helping you regain control and direction in your healing journey.

Beef Up Your Self-Care

Self-care is a fundamental aspect of trauma healing, and it becomes even more critical after a setback. Engage in activities and practices that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. These may include getting enough rest, eating a balanced diet, engaging in hobbies you enjoy, and spending time with loved ones. Prioritize self-compassion and be mindful of your inner dialogue. Treat yourself with the same care and kindness that everyone deserves.

Learn from the Setback

Setbacks in trauma healing can be valuable learning experiences. Take time to reflect on what led to the setback and what you can learn from it. Perhaps there were triggers or unresolved issues that you were not aware of. Identifying these can help you make necessary adjustments in your healing journey. By understanding the factors contributing to the setback, you can develop strategies to avoid similar obstacles in the future.

Stay Committed

A setback doesn’t mean you need to give up on your journey towards trauma healing. It’s a test of your commitment and determination. Stay focused on your long-term goals and the positive changes you want to make in your life. Remind yourself of the progress you’ve made so far, no matter how small, and use it as motivation to keep moving forward.

To conclude, setbacks in trauma healing are not failures. They are opportunities for growth and self-discovery. They are a natural part of the healing process and should be met with understanding, self-compassion, and resilience. By acknowledging your feelings, seeking support, reevaluating your goals, and practicing patience, you can overcome setbacks and continue your journey towards healing. Remember that healing from trauma is a journey, and every step, including setbacks, brings you closer to a place of greater strength and resilience.

Want to learn more about my trauma treatment services? Please also have a look around my site!

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How Do Attachment Styles Affect Sexuality? https://michaelgquirke.com/how-do-attachment-styles-affect-sexuality/ Mon, 18 Sep 2023 04:09:04 +0000 https://michaelgquirke.com/?p=7649 How do attachment styles affect sexuality? .Attachment styles significantly shape both our sexuality and intimate relationships.

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, suggests that our early experiences with caregivers shape our attachment styles. These attachment styles in turn influence how we form and maintain adult relationships, including those of a sexual nature.

There are four primary attachment styles: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. Attachment styles are bonding styles so regardless of your gender or sexual orientation, you have got one.

Below are some observations that I have made. Over the past quarter of a century, I’ve had a front row seat in the the intimate lives of thousands. From my vantage point as a psychotherapist, I’ve joined and accompanied men and women in the deepest most personal realms of their lives. In both individual, couples and family therapy, I’ve seen how these these bonding styles form my client’s love relationships.

So today, I’d like to share some of my observations about how attachment affects sexuality with you.

Let’s explore:

1. Secure Attachment: Flexible and StableHow do attachment styles affect sexuality

The securely attached person is flexible. They can turn to their loved one for support and comfort, and self regulate when appropriate. This person, tend to feel fundamentally safe and trusting in their intimate relations. Their anxiety runs low and they don’t avoid intimate bonding.

  • Effect on Sexuality: In my practice, I’ve noticed that men and women with secure attachment styles generally tend to have a pretty healthy and positive approach to sexuality. Sex plays a role in their intimate partnerships, but the size of that role is just right. They don’t avoid and minimize sex, but they don’t amplify it either. They tend to be close to their partners and consider their lover to be their dear friend. While there might be some disagreements between them, the foundations of their relationships feel solid. If you have this attachment style, you are probably pretty comfortable with emotional intimacy and are usually pretty open and communicative in your sexual relationships. In your sex life, you feel like you are both on the same team.
  • Secure Attachment’s impact on sex life: Having a secure attachment style makes it easier express your desires and boundaries clearly. This is because you feel inherently valuable and safe. You also expect that the people you will love you, treat you with love and care. This is because you are used to them doing so. These deeply held core expectations lead to more satisfying and mutually fulfilling sexual experiences.
  • Securely attached individuals often have a balanced approach to both emotional and physical intimacy. Because you feel fundamentally secure, you will tend have a relationships that have a high level of trust. This is not an “intellectual” trust, but a deeply felt body based experience. It’s the kind of trust that is established in your emotional brain. This kind of trust leads to a felt sense of comfort with communicating and resolving conflicts.
  • Healthy Sexual Expression: Securely attached individuals tend to have a strong sense of self-worth and are comfortable with both emotional and physical intimacy. They are more likely to engage in open and honest communication about their sexual desires, needs, and boundaries. They will feel basically pretty comfortable initiating and responding to bids for closeness.
  • Mutual Satisfaction: They are generally capable of forming deep emotional connections with their partners, which often translates into satisfying and mutually fulfilling sexual experiences. Securely attached individuals can express their desires and boundaries clearly and respect those of their partner, fostering an environment of trust and intimacy. This means that when sexual issues arise, they deal with them as a united front and they problem solve together.
  • Emotional Resilience: Secure individuals are better equipped to handle sexual challenges or conflicts within a relationship. The securely attached person has a deep felt sense of safety and trust in their partnership. So, they are less likely to interpret sexual issues as threats to the overall relationship and are more likely to work together with their partner to resolve them constructively.
  • Boundaries: Most of the securely attached clients that I have worked with have pretty healthy boundaries. Their boundaries are usually clear, predictable and also not overly rigid.
  • Common Core Beliefs: “I am lovable and deserving of love. Other people are generally good and reliable”. Keep in mind, these beliefs tend to be deeply integrated. Secure individuals generally have positive core beliefs about themselves and their worthiness of love and care. They tend to believe that not only are they are worthy of healthy, loving relationships , but that they can also contribute to their ability to form and maintain fulfilling relationships throughout their lives.

 

2. Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: Sensitive, Engaged and Prone to Distress

The anxious preoccupied person tends to have difficulty self regulating, and turns to others to help feel calm, safe and secure. Their anxiety tends to run high, and they don’t tend to avoid their partner.

  • Effect on Sexuality: The clients I’ve worked with who have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style often have a strong desire for intimacy while simultaneously fearing rejection or abandonment.  When it comes to their emotional life, they usually have difficulty self regulating.  They rely on others to help them feel calm, safe and worthwhile. This can frequently lead to seeking constant reassurance and validation in their romantic and sexual relationships.
  • Impact: in general , the anxiously attached clients I’ve worked with have tended to be more prone to sexual anxiety, insecurity and performance issues. This is due to their fear of being rejected or abandoned. When a sexual issue arose, they didn’t feel as if their partner was truly on their side. So, they had difficulty with both making requests and setting boundaries in sexual relationships. This often led to unhealthy dynamics.
  • Often these men and women have had strong “people pleaser” or “fawning” sides to their personality. This has led to being overly focused on meeting their partners needs while feeling all the worry and anxiety that can go along with that.  Think about it this way;  if you always are putting your partner’s needs first, and doing all the mind- reading that this entails, you get to avoid asking for any real care yourself. You also get to avoid risking the activation of all the fear and shame that might go along with that.
  • Anxious-preoccupied clients I’ve worked with have often struggled with both fear, jealousy and dependency. They also tended to  struggle with fear of disappointing their partner. Wanting your partner to be happy and satisfied is a different thing from being afraid to disappoint.
  • Sexual Anxiety:  Often these clients reported performance anxiety during sex. Men may struggle to maintain an erection or reach orgasm, and this anxiety can lead to sexual dissatisfaction.
  • Boundary Challenges: Typically, the boundaries are weak and these clients often deal with an emotional and sensory sensitivity. There is a reactivity that comes from being “under-boundaried”. They often have great difficulty asking for what they want and saying “no” because it activates unbearable fear, guilt or shame. Their anger is often a kind of call for attention and connection, or a way to punish their partner for withdrawing. It’s often not a way to push back and set limits.
  • Common Negative Core Belief: “I am not lovable . I’m unworthy of love unless I constantly seek and prove my worth. I have to keep you happy. I can’t do it (helplessness). I can’t get what I need. Other people are good, I’m bad.

3. Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment: Keeping Your Emotional Distance

The dismissive avoidant person tries to handle everything on their own. They value independence over intimacy. They don’t like the idea of turning to someone else for soothing and comfort because it feels unsafe to do this. Their anxiety runs low and they also tend to avoid their partners.

  • Effect on Sexuality: Individuals with dismissive-avoidant attachment styles tend to prioritize independence and self-sufficiency over emotional intimacy. They may have a tendency to avoid emotional closeness because the lack of emotional support in their early relationships taught them to rely on self regulating strategies.
  • Impact: In sexual relationships, they usually struggle with emotional intimacy and have a preference for casual or non-committed encounters.  In my experience, people with dismissive styles also tended to have a noticeable difficulty even identifying their own feelings. When communicating, they’ve relied on intellect and analysis and refrain from personal and emotional disclosure. Quite a few avoidantly attached clients have expressed to me how they see no use in talking about problems. and for example have said things like “Why would I say anything to my partner”?  Their tendency to keep their distance stopped them from including their emotions in their relationships and connecting on a deeper level with their partners. The dismissive style has often lent itself to having casual sexual relationships with no depth.
  • Boundaries: Many of the dismissive avoidant clients I worked with have rigid and inflexible boundaries. They set boundaries through keeping physical and emotional distance and usually through intellectualization. Or they make sure they are always in the “one up” superior position”.  Another method I’ve seen them use for setting boundaries is through addictions and compulsions.
  • Negative Core Belief: “I am self-sufficient and do not need emotional closeness. I’m good, but other people are not trustworthy. I can’t rely on others. We can only be close if you look up to me.

4. Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment: No Good Option

The fearful avoidantly attached person is stuck in a terrible bind. They feel completely alone and endangered. They long for closeness. They struggle to self regulate, but turning to others triggers, fear, anger, shame and numbness. In general, a person with this style tends to have both high anxiety and also will avoid intimacy.

  • Effect on Sexuality: Fearful-avoidant individuals have a deeply conflicted relationship with intimacy. They both desire it and fear it. Clients I’ve worked with described often experiencing a strong push-pull dynamic in their sexual relationships. One of my clients refers to it as his “can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em pattern”. The person with a disorganized attachment style often longs for intimacy and is terrified of it. Because of this conflict, many clients I’ve worked with have avoided relationships altogether
  • Impact: This attachment style can lead to sexual ambivalence and unpredictability. They may engage in sexual behaviors that are risky or self-sabotaging, as they grapple with their conflicting desires for closeness and distance. Their relationships might also have many of the common survival threat brain responses and be filled with anger, fear, shame, running away and numbing
  • Negative Core Belief: I am unworthy and unsafe in intimate relationships. I have no right to exist. I’m bad. Other people are dangerous and bad.

 

How Do Attachment Styles Affect Sexuality?

So you might be thinking about the factors that influence your emotional and sexual life. You might be wondering about how your early relationships might still be influencing you. If so, read on. You will find a few different self contemplation questions to ask yourself.

3 Facets Of Attachment Styles

Most people have a hard time seeing themselves objectively. We all have blind spots and I’ve found this to be particulary the case when it comes to attachment issues. But I’ll save that for another article. So, “How do attachment styles affect sexuality?” When it comes to considering your attachment style, I suggest you reflect on a few different things:

  • What calms you? Does turning to your partner tend to help, does keeping your distance help or  do both/neither,
  • Deep down, what are your core beliefs about yourself and your partner?
  • What threatens you? Do you tend to worry more about being abandoned, or being entangled?

If you want to dig a little deeper,

  • What is your ideal relationship like?
  • Is it hard to identify your own feeling needs and desires?
  • Can you get clingy and needy?
  • How emotionally reactive are you?

It’s important to note that attachment styles are not fixed and can evolve over time through therapy, self-awareness, and personal growth. Additionally, individuals may have a combination of attachment styles in different contexts or with different partners. Understanding one’s own attachment style and that of their partner(s) can be helpful in navigating and improving sexual relationships.

Ultimately, while attachment styles influence our sexuality, they do not have to determine your entire  sexual experience. Various factors, including personal values, beliefs, cultural background, and life experiences, also play crucial roles in shaping one’s sexuality and intimate relationships.

But remember, if you commit yourself to a path of growth, that includes high quality therapy, you can change your attachment style.  If you are interested in learning more about attachment, please have look around my site. I’ve written a lot on this and on similar topics. In particular, I’ve written a bunch on treating the effects of treatment of early trauma and neglect. 

Click here, if you would like book an appointment.

 

 

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Why Is Self Compassion Important For Trauma Recovery? https://michaelgquirke.com/why-is-self-compassion-important-for-trauma-recovery/ Sun, 03 Sep 2023 18:38:08 +0000 https://michaelgquirke.com/?p=7591 Why is self compassion important for trauma recovery? Self-compassion plays a crucial role in trauma recovery for several reasons. Trauma symptoms, whether they are caused by a single event or ongoing experiences, can have profound and lasting impacts on your emotional, psychological, and physical well-being. Self-compassion offers a supportive and understanding approach towards oneself that aids in your healing process.

In essence, self compassion means that you are on your own side.

Here’s why self-compassion is important for your trauma recovery:

  1. Reduces Your Self-Blame and Shame: Trauma survivors often experience feelings of guilt, shame, and self-blame, believing that they somehow caused or deserved the traumatic event. Self-compassion helps counteract these feelings by offering a kind and non-judgmental perspective. It encourages you to treat yourself with the same kindness andWhy Is Self Compassion Important For Trauma Recovery? understanding you would offer to a friend in a similar situation.
  2.  Mitigates Your Negative Self-Talk: Trauma can lead to negative self-talk and harsh self-criticism. Self-compassion helps individuals challenge and replace these negative thoughts with self-soothing and supportive language. This promotes a healthier internal dialogue and reduces the emotional burden of self-criticism.
  3. Supports Your Emotional Regulation: Trauma often leads to heightened emotional reactivity, which can make it difficult for trauma survivors to manage their emotions. Self-compassion encourages you  to acknowledge your emotions without judgment. This allows you to process and regulate your feelings in a healthier way.
  4. Fosters Resilience: Developing self-compassion cultivates your sense of inner strength and resilience. When faced with the challenges of trauma recovery, self-compassion helps build your foundation of self-care and self-encouragement. This enables you to better navigate difficult emotions and setbacks.
  5. Encourages Self-Care: Trauma survivors may neglect their own well-being while focusing on the trauma or may become very vigilant about meeting the needs of others. Self-compassion emphasizes your self-care and self-nurturing. You deserve care and attention, even during times of difficulty.
  6. Promotes Acceptance: Trauma recovery involves coming to terms with the past and accepting the reality of what happened. Self-compassion fosters self-acceptance by acknowledging the pain and suffering without judgment. This acceptance is a vital step towards healing and moving forward.
  7. Enhances Connection: Trauma can lead to feelings of isolation and disconnection from others and from parts of yourself. Self-compassion encourages individuals to recognize their common humanity—the understanding that pain, fear, distress and suffering are universal human experiences. This sense of connection can alleviate feelings of shame and loneliness and thereby promote a sense of belonging.
  8. Supports Mindfulness: Self-compassion is often rooted in mindfulness, which involves being present with one’s thoughts and emotions without judgment. Mindfulness based forms of psychotherapy tend to be particularly helpful because they can help stabilize trauma survivors. It’s also key to processing  emotional experiences in a non-reactive way. Mindfulness based treatments can be very helpful at reducing the intensity of your traumatic memories and emotional triggers.
  9. Facilitates Growth: Trauma recovery isn’t just about returning to a pre-trauma state. It also involves growth and transformation. Self-compassion is like fertilizer. It provides a nurturing environment for your personal growth. You can learn from your experiences, develop resilience, and find meaning and wisdom in your journey.

Overall, self-compassion is a potent tool that empowers trauma survivors to navigate the complex process of recovery with greater kindness, understanding, and self-care. Self compassion helps you to stoke the fire of your self-worth, resilience, and emotional healing.

So, how can you increase your self compassion?

Below you’ll find tools and self help techniques for cultivating your self compassion. This will  facilitate your journey toward recovery and a help you grow a greater sense of well-being.

12 Practices To Help Trauma Survivors Develop Self Compassion:

Developing self-compassion is an important skill that can greatly enhance your emotional well-being and resilience. Here are some techniques and practices to help you cultivate self-compassion:

  1. Self-Kindness: Treat yourself with the same kind attitude and care that you would offer to a good friend. When you make a mistake or are going through a tough time, instead of criticizing yourself, practice self-kindness. Speak to yourself with warmth and understanding, just as you would comfort a friend.
  2. Mindfulness: Mindfulness is the practice of being present in the moment without judgment. Mindful self-compassion involves paying attention to your thoughts and feelings with openness and curiosity, rather than reacting to them with criticism. It’s about acknowledging your suffering without trying to suppress or deny it.
  3. Common Humanity: Recognize that suffering is a part of the human experience. You are not alone in your struggles. Everyone faces difficulties and setbacks at some point in their lives. Everyone feels pain and fear. Understanding that you are connected to others through shared experiences can reduce feelings of isolation.
  4. Self-Compassion and Self-Talk: When you catch yourself beating yourself up, replace self-criticism with self-compassionate self-talk. When you catch yourself being overly critical or judgmental, consciously reframe your thoughts. For example, if you make a mistake, say to yourself, “It’s okay, everyone makes mistakes sometimes,” instead of berating yourself.
  5. Write a Self-Compassion Letter: Write a letter to yourself as if you were writing to a dear friend who is going through a similar struggle. Offer words of encouragement, support, and understanding. This can be a powerful way to practice self-compassion. In my sessions with clients, sometimes we write a letter to a part of them that is struggling.
  6. Mindful Self-Compassion Meditation: Engage in guided self-compassion meditation exercises. These typically involve focusing on your breath and using affirmations or mantras that promote self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Apps and online resources can provide guided meditations for self-compassion.
  7. Self-Compassion Journaling: Keep a journal where you regularly write about your thoughts, feelings, and experiences related to self-compassion. Reflect on moments when you were self-compassionate and those when you were not. This can help you track your progress and identify areas for improvement.
  8. Self-Care: Prioritize self-care activities that nourish your physical and emotional well-being. This can include exercise, a healthy diet, adequate sleep, relaxation techniques, hobbies you enjoy, and spending time with loved ones.
  9. Seek Support: If you are struggling to develop self compassion, reach out to a therapist or counselor who specializes in self-compassion and trauma. They can provide guidance and tailored strategies.
  10. Practice Gratitude: Regularly express gratitude for the positive aspects of your life. Focusing on the things you’re grateful for can help shift your perspective away from resentment and self-criticism.
  11. Self-Compassion Affirmations: Create self-compassion affirmations or mantras that resonate with you. Repeat these affirmations daily to reinforce self-compassionate thinking.
  12. Progressive Exposure: If self-compassion feels challenging, start with small steps. Gradually expose yourself to self-compassion practices, and don’t expect immediate transformation. Be patient and persistent.  Start where you are. For example, one former patient was plagued with a crushing sense of worthlessness and shame. These started early in his life and had deep roots. Years of harrowing childhood abuse left him filled with self loathing. His abusers crushed what little self worth he had. He began to remind himself many times per day that “at least I try not to be a bad person”.  In the beginning that was the only thing he felt made his deserving of any compassion. It was the only thing he found acceptable about himself. But over time, his self acceptance and healthy self love grew.

Remember that developing self-compassion is a journey, and it’s normal to have setbacks or moments when self-criticism resurfaces. The key is to approach yourself with kindness, understanding, support and encouragement during these moments. Treat yourself as if you are someone who matters to you. Treat yourself as you would treat a beloved friend. Over time, with practice, self-compassion can become a natural and nurturing part of your self-talk and emotional response.

If you would like to learn more about how I help clients recover from trauma, please have a look around my website. If you wish to meet, you can schedule your appointment here.

 

The post Why Is Self Compassion Important For Trauma Recovery? appeared first on Michael G. Quirke, MFT.

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